Your Guide to Being a Great Wingman!

In General I don’t brag.  I actually have trouble talking myself up sometimes, but there is one thing that all my friends and I know I am skilled at… I am a great wing woman. And let me just say that being a good wing woman is not like in the movies or on TV. (I am looking at you Jersey Shore).  You don’t have to take the ugly guy or “Grenade” home, so you’re friend can score. It doesn’t work that way. At least it never has for me. I should hope that we could all go home with whomever we want to or alone if we so chose. Going home alone is always the safest bet because I’m always going to get lucky with myself. I’m getting off-track. To be a great wingman it’s about being a team player and helping your friend with whatever their dating weaknesses happen to be. Here are my tips for anyone who cares enough about their friends to want them to be happy or try to get them laid.  And let me say that these rules are specific to going to a bar.

1. Go in Pairs – When helping someone to find a new romantic partner, whether you are looking for a guy or a girl; go in pairs. Sometimes when we go out with friends we go in big groups. You are completely unapproachable when you are taking tequila shots with your four best buddies. Also, although Neil Strauss’ infamous book The Game preaches the importance of men approaching ladies in threes. This makes sense, but doesn’t take in the concept of wingpeople and assumes that only men can go on the hunt for a mate.  I have been a wingwoman for girls and boys. There isn’t really a big difference. In fact, ladies trust a girl telling them that their guy friend is amazing much more than they would ever trust another guy. But guess what? If I am approached by a group or in a group I am never going to meet new people. 
2. Stake out Your Target ­– Find a place in the bar and sit with your friend. Look around and try to find someone they think is cute. That is the first step. There has to be some kind of attraction otherwise we are all just wasting our time.
3. Help Initiate a conversation – Sometimes, when you are feeling butterflies in your stomach because you see that the guy you are lusting for you get tongue-tied. That is what a wingwoman is for! You have no vested interest in this new potential interest for your friend, and so you don’t have to be scared to talk to them. You have nothing to lose and so it is on you to help strike up a conversation with your friend’s new Casanova. Try to talk to them about something innocuous like, “what they’re favorite drink is?” Before switching the attention to your gorgeous friend. If they start talking your job is done! If he or she seems uninterested move on. You can’t wait for magic to happen.
4. Leave – They seem to be really hitting it off and bonding over their love of Lord of the Rings, so what should you do now? Give them space. Find something else to do at the bar. Get another drink. Find your own target.  Being a wingman is about being unselfish and helping out your friend. It takes a lot of confidence and utter shamelessness.  So, if you have those qualities you will be able to attract someone at the bar.
5. Come Back Intermittently– Don’t leave them alone forever. Your friend will assume you have left. Also, they may have hit a lull in conversation and discovered that they actually can’t relate at all. That’s where you come in as the wing savior you are to reinstate yourself as a breath of fresh air in the conversation.  If they are doing well, you can leave again, but if it’s going terribly you can steal your friend away for an “emergency.”
6. Help your friend Walk Away – So, this is important. At some point your friend needs to seal the deal. They need to get the number or give their number or kiss their new betrothed all over their face. You can make this happen by “Needing to leave.” If they decide they want to go home together, that’s great, but giving a sense of urgency to the evening will only intensify their feelings. Also, if your friend sucks at getting numbers that is not your fault. You cannot make people socially able to interact.
7. This is not about taking credit – They may hit it off or they may never see each other again. They may even get married. But remember as the wingman you cannot take credit for introducing them. You are like Batman. When you have done your job correctly no one even knows your there. Now go off into the night and make love happen!

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Conversation Starter #2 – Where is your favorite place to eat?

You’re at a party and you see a group gathered around talking intently. How are you going to add to their scintillating conversation about The Walking Dead? I mean you don’t even watch that show.  And part of you hopes that someone will approach you and ask about the cool Gargoyles shirt you are wearing. Remember, that show from the 90’s about Gargoyles? Why hasn’t anyone asked about it?

Don’t give up. And don’t wait for people to approach you. The solution is to have a no fail question to ask someone new. Something that everyone has an opinion about; food. Now, you can frame this question is a variety of ways, but the only thing that matters is asking in a genuine honest way. Just say, “Hey, so I am looking for a new restaurant to try. Have you been anywhere good lately?”  Or  “I just moved to a new neighborhood and I would love a new dinner spot to try” or “Do you have any bar recommendations near here?”

These questions are simple and everyone has one place that they love more than any other. And if you are asking about food people can be incredibly passionate.  You will suddenly learn about their tastes for ethnic food, mixology, and probably bottomless mimosas.  We all like to be asked our opinions about things and food just makes us hungry.

This is also a red flag about whether you should continue talking to the person. If someone says, “Oh, I don’t know. I never eat out.” You should run. Not that there is anything wrong with eating at home, but come on. If you aren’t passionate enough about your local surroundings to find a new watering hole or awesome brunch spot than I don’t know if we really are going to get along. You may also wonder if they are anorexic. Who doesn’t love food? Another red flag is if this person mentions that their favorite restaurant is Chilis, Applebees, or Claim Jumper. Unless, you live in a very rural area there should be some type of local cuisine that is not a giant chain. Also, when you talk to kids they often mention Subway as their favorite place to eat. An adult’s palate should be a little more specific and sophisticated than a place that has a Big Mouth Burger on its menu.

If you start to talk with someone about their favorite Thai restaurant… the one with the fatty Pad See Yu noodles, at some point they will invariable ask you about your favorite place. Suddenly, you are engaging with a new friend about your passion for dolmas at your favorite Greek place. A friendship is born. And if you want to take this new friendship to the next level you could always going to try some of their food some time. 

The Ivy Issue

 

Where did you go to college? This seemingly innocuous question is full of implications that can make you uncomfortable. What if you didn’t go to college? What if you went to a subpar state school and everyone around you is Mr. Ivy League 2008.

Many times we feel insecure in front of other people because we feel less than. This is the time to step up and be proud of wherever your life has taken you.  I went to a state school and loved it. It was fantastic, and affordable, but I remember the first time I went to a party with a bunch of Ivys; I was intimidated. Was I smart enough to hang out with these people? Were they all a lot richer than me?  Did they wear sweaters and talk about their yachts?

The answers are yes, sometimes, and usually no yachts were involved.  I soon came to realize that people from Harvard, Yale, Dartmouth, Columbia.. the list goes on had gone to college… and I had gone to college.  Remember that even if you haven’t gone to college you have had coming of age experiences that are amazing and personal.

Don’t be intimidated by people who happened to be admitted to a fancy school because they have just the same problems as us dumber people. Nobody drops their panties just because you happened to go to Harvard… well, I can’t say nobody, but most people won’t. Hopefully, these smart and savvy peers are equally as sociable or unsociable as you. Connect to new friends the way you would connect to anyone by talking about your shared love of Rocko’s Modern Life. Mixing the high brow with the low brow will gain you major points with the Ivy League set.  It’s the reason that everyone started watching Jersey Shore; because there is something inherently artistic about the basest reality television.

 

But, remember you didn’t go to Harvard or Yale. I know this may not be a shock to you, but it is something to keep in mind as your new friends cackle about their experiences in a secret society, which you imagine to be just like the movie The Skulls. (Joshua Jackson and vintage Paul Walker are in that movie. Definitely worth rewatching.) Because here is the thing you never will have gone to a school like that and so for some that will always be a giant chasm between you. If you can accept that and move on you will be better for it.

 

When I started college my dad told me that if I joined a sorority he would disown me, which was a pretty crazy sentiment. But, my dad hated all the wealthy kids who joined fraternities and sororities; he could never compete. But as adults we don’t have to compete with someone’s class or level of importance at a party. We all enter a party as equals and if we can remember that we will always have fun. And if that doesn’t help just remember that Mark Zuckerberg dropped out of Harvard and he seems to be doing fine.

How to Survive New Years

Thanksgiving is behind us. Christmas is just a distant memory. But there is one holiday party that is upon us… NEW YEARS EVE. As Gary Marshall would lead us to believe, New Years, is a very emotional holiday where all your dreams can come true.  In reality, it can be a terrible, expectation filled, mess of a holiday. Apparently some Catholics believe that January 1 is the day Jesus was circumcised, which means we are basically celebrating a giant bris. That should make you feel better. I mean, New Years can feel as painful as getting part of your penis removed, but it doesn’t have to be.  I have had horrific New Years, but I have also partied hard and have had great New Years in the last few years.  And I think I have discovered the party secrets to ensure a truly bad ass New Years!

Do not Have any Expectations – If you think that this is the night that you profess your love or finally show off in front of your friends; you are wrong. New Years is just a night to have fun and be silly. Any kind of goals, or expectations you have will not be met.  Trust me. And any time spent trying to achieve said goals will just distract you from actually being in the moment and having a good time. Your only goal should be to avoid puking.

Surround Yourself with Positive – No Wet Blankets! You know your friend who refuses to try any new food even though you are at a new restaurant… don’t bring them along. When you go out for New Years it’s very important to have adventurers at your side. These Partyventurers will say yes to new experiences like fire walking, shot taking, and trampolining. (You can’t know where your night is going to go.) But if you have a friend that is always on the fence and has purel on their person at all times don’t bring them. You may delusionally think that they will put aside their nervous nellyness for one evening, but you are wrong. They will be behaved for two hours and then they will start becoming the killjoy you know and love. Just don’t do it.

Make a Decision and Stick with it! – You may have a ton of friends or acquaintances that have invited you to a party. You may want to go to the cool dance club that used to be a brothel, but now serves shots of absinthe. You may want to just chill in your house and make fun of Ryan Seacrest. There are so many options! It can be overwhelming. But all you really have to do is pick a place and then decide to make the best of it.  The longer you wait the more complicated it becomes.  Don’t get involved with what your entire friend group wants… make a decision for you and again BE POSITIVE .

Let the Night Take you – So you decided to go to that brothel bar down the street and you shelled out $50 for champagne and some party hats! Just as you get out the door fifteen of your friends show up. This is crazy! You made plans. But suddenly you are all taking five shots of peppermint Schnaps (That’s all that was in your cupboard from Christmas) and you go skipping down the street. Don’t be upset. You are supposed to make plans on New Years, so that the party gods can break them. (Something similar to this happened to me last year and it was fantastic!) Conversely, you may be at the brothel bar and get locked out of your car at four in the morning. Roll with the punches. Something good will happen. You will be able to find a way home or to a new friends’ home. It’s new years! People will be friendly!

Be Careful – In the last four years I have witnessed many people drunkenly getting hurt on New Years. Just be aware that you may get treacherously toasted and don’t try anything too idiotic.  Because no matter how much you drink your broken wrist, ankle, collarbone will not be forgotten in the morning.  Just be aware of sharp objects and super high shoes.

 It’s Just a Kiss – Kiss everyone and anyone. It’s New Years! You are trashed and can always blame your bad behavior on an excess of scotch. Get out there and express your love through your two lips. Kiss anyone who is around unless you’re with your significant other… than you should try to just kiss them. 

Don’t Date someone you met on New Years – So, you drunkenly made out with this adorable guy who resembles Eddie Redmayne and also works as a doctor. It was a great evening! Then, the next day he calls you and asks you on a date. This will be the start of a great relationship… right? WRONG! Last year, my best friend and I went out with guys we met on New Years. What a mistake. My Eddie Redmayne look alike looked more like Nick Nolte and was the most boring person who I have ever met. Without the liquid courage to make our date fun we realized that we actually had nothing in common. Sometimes, you may find the love of your life on New Years, but if you are severely intoxicated the odds are not in your favor.

BRUNCH – Always make sure you get brunch the next day so you and your friends can discuss the intimate and ridiculous adventures of the previous night. Like when that B List celebrity propositioned you for sex and then threw up on you.

Above all else, have fun, drink a lot, and dance your way into the new year!

 

 

Surviving Your Work Holiday Party

 

If you happen to be lucky enough to work at a company that throws a Holiday party once a year it should be coming up in the next few weeks.  This will be the first time in months that you can relax with your other employees and really talk about who keeps stealing mugs from the kitchen. But, when alcohol and your work acquaintances mix terrible things can happen.  How will you survive this party without getting in trouble?  Here is my handy guide to keep you out of trouble.

• Pretend there is no Open Bar – Know your limits.  There may be an open bar, but you know how you get after you polish off eight shots of Tequila.  You don’t want to be the person that everyone remembers as the drunken guy who used his jacket as a loincloth.  So, drink, but drink less than you would on a regular trip to the bar. No one needs to know that your nickname in college was “The 10 Shot Guy.”  You should have a two-drink limit; it will make everything easier.

• If you get Plastered try to keep your mouth shut – Ok, so you ignored my last recommendation and got super plastered anyway. It happens. But, how you handle it will really ensure your future at your job. You cannot under any circumstances say anything: racist, sexist, gross, pervy, mean about your boss, or talk politics. You wouldn’t usually say these things, but when you are drunk it always seems a good time to talk about how much you hate your boss’ ugly goatee. You can’t trust anyone at this party. As much as you may be friends with the people you work with, if you say something inappropriate, they may turn against you. Your best bet is to talk about puppies. No one can really get upset that you prefer a pug to a golden retriever.

• Don’t make any Sexy Moves – You have had a crush on the cute mail carrier for months and this will be the best time to show him your sexy new dress and tell him you love him. Movies glamorize the company Christmas party as a place where love happens. It doesn’t work that way.  Coworkers and alcohol surround you: a terrible combination. If you profess your love to someone they may tell everyone at the party. Also, all that Jaeger you have been drinking may give you a false confidence about how well his response will be. And he may show up with his serious girlfriend. Either way, if you’re really in love, find an appropriate time and place, away from work, to express your feelings.

• Leave at an Appropriate Time – This is a party. And you can stay until the end. That is your right… but don’t.  Unless you have plans to hang out with your co-workers after the party at an awesome karaoke bar, leave early. You don’t get a better bonus if you stay for four hours. And you may realize that you don’t love your co-workers as much as you pretend. Get out while you can or you will be forced to look at Shelia’s fifty cat pictures.

• Don’t Bring Gifts – Unless your office is doing a gift exchange do not bring any presents for your co-workers. You will never be able to bring enough gifts for everyone at the office and it will be awkward if you only give champagne to your close friends.  You can give friends gifts when you are at work at the end of the day. If you have to do a gift exchange, buy something universally great, like chocolate, and don’t spend more that $15. 

•  – You should have a good time at your party, but don’t go overboard. Keep everything in check and you will do great! 

Foreign Partiers!

 

You walk into a party and start talking to people, but after a few minutes realize that no one is from America. Have you stumbled into Ukraine? Did these people just arrive off a boat? No, you are at a party full of foreigners.  When you go to a party with so many people from out of this country it is important to talk about things that will bring you together.

Remember, all of these out of town guests are more nervous than you.  They feel out of place. And they don’t understand why all the men have short hair; when in their country, everyone has a mullet. Try to make people feel comfortable. You are representing America and just like a UN ambassador, the best option is to be as kind as possible.

These people may or may not know our language and that’s scary. You don’t need to talk to them like babies or super slow. Just remember that they are trying harder than you.  So talk to them like they are already your friends.

Also, remember that while everyone shares the same feelings and emotions we don’t all share pop culture. I was at a party with some out of town guests and mentioned Darkwing Duck and My Little Pony; two great shows. But here is the thing. They are from the 90’s in America and unless you were brought up in America you will have no idea what I’m talking about. Keep things neutral.

Talk about places you’ve visited or embarrassing childhood stories. We all have those and they unite us in awkwardness. If you are running out of topics try for a good celebrity run in story. As strange as it is, a lot of people have at some point, seen someone famous. Exploit this fact. And it’s your opportunity to tell the story about how Andre 3000 hit on you when you were 16. (Maybe that’s only my story.)

One caveat to all of this is when foreigners hit on you. I guess this is more for the ladies, but when foreign men hit on you do not feel obligated to be nice. Actually, don’t be nice. In some countries they may see your kind refusal as a challenge. And in my experience, some travelers can be quite aggressive. Get your point across clearly and boldly! Otherwise, you may find a Russian breathing down your neck

But, in closing just like a United Colors of Beneton Ad, we should all be nice to each other and be as hospitable as the puppets on It’s a Small World.

A Useful Guide to Drunk Texting

You are at a party, bored, and drunk. What should you do now? Duh! Drunk Text. Some of you are thinking this sounds like a terrible idea, but if done correctly drunk texting can be the most fun a girl can have using her two index fingers!  It is one of my favorite recreational hobbies. Nothing to be ashamed of and just like letter writing has the same type of etiquette. Here are a few tips and tricks.

 Always send drunk texts to someone who would want to hear from you. Sending an angry rant to your ex may seem like a great idea, but she will not be excited to respond to being called a bitch.  Also, don’t send mean things to enemies. You are not going to solve any kinds of problems with your rant about their abhorrent behavior and terrible breath.  Instead, send messages to people you like. Friends don’t mind hearing that you are three sheets to the wind and that you really now understand why, Salem, from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, was secretly your high school crush. They will be happy to hear from you.

 Avoid Declarations of Love. You are completely obliterated at a party and you know that this is finally the time to tell your co-worker you are in love with them. Wrong. You may have the liquid courage to finally pronounce your feelings, but that doesn’t mean that 3 am is the right time to do it. If you have a sexting buddy (and really who doesn’t?) feel free to send them lascivious things as much as possible. But avoid at all cost telling someone you love them. If you do, make sure to apologize in the morning. Even if you do love them, a 4 am text with the word love spelled luv is not the right way to declare it.

Don’t do it while Driving! Don’t drive drunk! And if you are driving home after drinking anything; don’t text! No discussion about why Michele Obama would totally be your best friend is worth getting in a car wreck.  Just don’t do it. Wait til you are home and then say the stupidest things you can think about.

Don’t text your parents. Just don’t! Why would they need to know you are drunk?  Also, family is an intense animal that you don’t need to poke with a drunk stick. Avoid drunk texting your parents at all costs.

Silly things are always appreciated. The best-drunk texts are the ones that are appreciative or completely ridiculous. Also, misspelling everything is awesome! With every gr8 or greeat you are telling your text recipient that you are completely plastered. Also, I love to tell my friends how much I appreciate/ love them. They will find it great and silly. You can also really start to talk about things that you have been afraid to say, like how much you love The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  It’s time to stop judging yourself and start texting!

So have your drinks, break out your iphone, and go to town.